It's the First of November. Merry Christmas!
What’s that, you say? You’re still separating your kids’ Halloween candy between the good, chocolate stuff and the crap flavored like nothing found in nature? Well, it’s time to stop living in the past and start hanging the motherfucking tinsel.
That’s right: It’s November 1, and what may sound like distant sleigh bells is in fact the starting pistol for the holiday season. Gird your loins—the Christmas onslaught is upon us.
Look no farther than the U.S. Spotify chart, where Mariah Carey’s yuletide whale “All I Want for Christmas Is You” (Columbia) has already breached the Top 10, Wham’s “Last Christmas” (Epic) is dispelling humbug at #12, Brenda Lee’s “Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree” (MCA Nashville) ornaments the Top 25, Bobby Helms’ “Jingle Bell Rock” (Geffen) dances and prances into the Top 30 and… Hell, we’re gonna need much more rum in this eggnog.
But, don’t worry, little elves. You don’t have to content yourselves with “Rudolph” on a loop this year because there’s a whole heap of NEW holiday music to carol around the block to. For starters, Interscope alt-pop queen Olivia Rodrigo has thrown her Santa hat in the ring with “Take Me Home (4 Christmas),” which will arrive—replete with video lagniappe—Nov. 5. O-Rod co-penned this powdered-sugar-dusted confection with producer Daniel Nigro and the redoubtable Amy Allen. Can you pre-order the vinyl single now? Of course you can!
And you don’t have to wait for freshly fallen seasonal offerings—a phalanx of snowy sets is ready for early wassailing; look for Epic Presents: Holiday Radio, featuring such label stalwarts as Meghan Trainor, Mariah the Scientist and GIVĒON; Atlantic’s Hilary Duff will endeavor to stuff her Holiday Things into your stocking; Warner has unwrapped Ryan Peter Murphy’s Hallmark-anointed Christmas in New England, buzz on which is strong among Rat Pack aficionados; Holiday Amazon Music Originals is bound to make its way into your cart… Is there more? Ask the publicists e-mailing us right this very minute to demand we add whatever holly-jolly project they’re touting to our already long list, which we are not checking twice.
For instance, traditionalists with turntables will groove to UMe’s glittering-liquid-filled vinyl reissues of Ultimate Christmas sets by Bing Crosby and Frank Sinatra, Nat King Cole’s The Christmas Song, The Beach Boys Christmas Album and A Motown Christmas, studded with gumdrops like The Temptations, The Supremes, Stevie Wonder, Smokey Robinson & the Miracles, The Jackson 5 and other assorted wonders and miracles.
There’s no point in resisting; from here on out, it’s a nonstop gauntlet of shopping and cheer, carb-loading on snowman-shaped treats and gawking at newscasters in Santa hats. If you thought you could put it off until after Thanksgiving, you must high on sugarplums.
In related news, there are still no good Chanukah songs.
