We’ve come to that time of the year when the best sports viewing is on the Outdoor Life Network—assuming you find the sight of guys grinding up French mountains on titanium road bikes compelling—the best movies are on DVD (the envelope-pushing Crash excepted) and the freshest television is on HBO and FX (hey, whatever happened to recently emerging Showtime?). Summer in SoCal sucks, except if you’re rich and have a summer house on the beach—any beach, from Newport to Nantucket to Vancouver Island. Or maybe something tells you that this is your year to finally make the cast of Real World before male-pattern balding sets in (particularly devastating for girls). Or, like, you can go to the museum and look at, like, art and stuff. A day at the beach will set you back 25 clams, assuming you have your heart set on Paradise Cove (and assuming they’re not shooting another commercial or a music video there). It’s not that they need the money up in northernmost Malibu; they just wanna keep out the riff-raff, i.e., you. Face it, dude—you’re meant for Venice, and Venice is meant for you. Peace out.

CALENDAR
Friday, July 8
7:30pm
Judas Priest w/Queensryche @ Verizon Wireless Ampitheatre, Irvine Metal, anyone? For Info: (213) 480-3232

8:00pm
Mariscos y Mezcals Trendy & luscious Spanish Kitchen has opened this new eight-seat bar serving oyster shooters, ceviches & lots of mescals (drink up). @ 826 N. La Cienega Blvd (btwn Willoughby/Waring Aves.).

Outfest ’05 This year’s schedule lists 232 films & videos from the U.S. & nine other countries. Some highlights: Adam and Steve starring: Malcolm Gets, Parker Posey & Chris Kattan, The Dying Gaul with: Peter Sarsgaard, Campbell Scott & Patricia Clarkson, the documentary Based on a True Story (a Dutch film based on the real-life events that inspired the film Dog Day Afternoon) and filmmaker Greg Araaki gets the Outfest Achievement Award. Screenings/events are at the DGA & other LA theatres. Info: (213) 480-7065

10:00pm
Crash Seriously impressive story weaving interconnects a group of strangers in Los Angeles over a two-day period. Starring Sandra Bullock, Don Cheadle, Ludacris, Larenz Tate, Brendan Fraser, Ryan Phillipe.

Saturday, July 9
6:30am
Venice Centennial Showcase & Surf Contest Like a crowded boardwalk? Dig incense wafting up into the air? Oh baby, this is your day. But then again, they’re all your days, aren’t they? Don’t worry about us. We’ll be fine. The surf contest is first up at 6:30am, dude. The day will bring chainsaw juggling (we can totally do that), skate dancing (also so good at that), graffiti art (is for pussies), skateboarding (Dogtown & Z- Boys was actually our idea—forget what you heard) and live music (which we always feel is better than dead music). Info: (310) 575-8461 @ Pacific Ave. & Windward Ave, Venice. Duh.

10:00am
Real World Open Call for Season 17 Wanna live in a house with seven strangers? The producers are gearing up for the next one. You must be between 18-24 years old, bring a valid ID & a recent photo. You’ll interview w/a casting director. @ Westfield Fox Hills (294 Fox Hills Mall Culver City, CA). Till 5pm today. If you can’t make it, they’re accepting 5-10 min. video auditions; send to: Real World Casting/Bunim Murray Prods., 6007 Sepulveda Blvd. Culver City, CA 90230

1:00pm
The Getty and Los Angeles County Museum of Art Here’s cool…both of these museums are exhibiting two of history’s greatest Dutch artists, Rembrandt and Jacob van Ruisdael, respectively. Save your Getty parking receipt and/or your LACMA ticket stub and present them at the Coffee Cart (Getty) or Café (LACMA) & you’ll get a free Dutch treat. Which, I believe, is a hand job.

3:00pm
Happy Lion Gallery Very cool gallery in Chinatown. From the gallery’s site: “In response to MOCA's recent show VISUAL MUSIC, which introduced much of the canon of experimental film through an emphasis on the music that may have inspired the works, Happy Lion Gallery is pleased to present VISUAL NOISE, a group exhibition curated by Margo Victor. The examination of experimental film as manifested in the present day practice of emerging artists whose mediums involve or are inspired by film and music. While MOCA's recent sound/film survey focused mainly on free-form jazz and the beginnings of the World Music movement, Victor's project is interested in the relationship of rock music to film and performance. An inspiration for this project is the history of LA's Chinatown neighborhood, which once hosted LA's punk rock music scene during the height of the movement in the early ’80s. For this reason the Happy Lion Gallery is well poised to host this project. VISUAL NOISE will include the work of the following artists: Kate Brown, E E Cassidy, Drew Heitzler, Carolyn Kaylor, Kate McCabe, Margo Victor and Erika Vogt.” Gallery Hours: Wed-Sat 12-6pm. @ 963 Chung King Rd., LA. Info: (213) 625-1360.

6:00pm
Sing-along Sound of Music @ The Hollywood Bowl Costumed audience members along with real-life descendents of the Von Trapp Family Singers gather to celebrate the film’s 40^th anniversary. Don’t worry, the lyrics are flashed on the screen to help those not-in-the-know and you even get gift bags with props so you can participate at key moments in the film a la Rocky Horror …. Info: (213) 365-3500.

6:30pm
Bryan Adams and Def Leppard at Keyspan Park (1904 Surf Ave., Brooklyn)

10:00pm
Cabana Club Check out one of Hollywood’s newest night clubs in the old Sunset Room spot. There’s a brand new patio with trees, a waterfall, a 21,000-gallon pool, bridges, cabanas (surprise, surprise) and the ever-lovely table/bottle service (expensive but cushy.) @ 1429 N. Ivar

12:00am
Director’s Commentary Live @ UCB Theatre Live commentary on your favorite films by the cast & crew who made them. Past films: St. Elmo’s Fire, Star Wars & Karate Kid. W/host Matt Walsh. Tickets $5. @ 5919 Franklin Ave.

Sunday, July 10
9:00am
Town and Country Café & Bakery New indoor/outdoor puppy-friendly place. Whether you’re craving the coconut banana lime bread or the brine roasted chicken, we hear you’ll be very happy. @ 3823 W. Sunset Blvd (btwn Hyperion/Lucile Aves., Silver Lake)

12:00pm
Scratch DJ Academy Spin this, bitch. Wanna learn more about mixing and improve your overall chance of getting laid? @ 2324 Cotner Ave. (btwn Pico/Olympic Blvds). Info: www.scratch.com or (310) 312-6599.

7:30pm
Asssscat @ UCB Theatre Free show! Good one at that. Here’s how it works, courtesy the UCB site incase you don’t know. A group of improv comedians currently working in film and television take the stage accompanied by a special guest monologuist. Some guest monologuists are talented celebrities, others are screwed up weirdoes. Either way, they usually have great stories to tell. We take a suggestion from the audience, then the show begins. @ 5919 Franklin Ave.

8:00pm
Coheed and Cambria @ the Avalon A very special rare night w/ the band performing solo at the Avalon. They will perform an acoustic set at 8PM sharp with an electric set to follow (@ 1735 N. Vine, Hollywood) * This Show is sold-out!*

9:00pm
Six Feet Under * new time * HBO wised up and moved everyone’s favorite show back to Sunday nights for the rest of it’s final season. If Keith gets any nicer, I’m gonna punch him through my screen (or walk across the street to Sunset-Gower Studios, although I think they’re done shooting. But I would. And I’d shake the sexy/bad ass back into Brenda while I was there, too).

10:00pm
Entourage * new time * (HBO) The lineup adjusts on our three favorite shows and all is right with the world. Somebody better let Vince do Aquaman after all this bullshit.

10:30pm
The Comeback * new time * (HBO) Closing out stellar Sunday nites, Valerie continues to make us feel wonderfully uncomfortable. Did you see her do her Woody Allen impression 3x in one episode. Sooooo awkward. Soooo hard to watch. Soooo good.

Upcoming:
Tuesday, July 19
8:00pm Comedy @ the Hollywood Improv Come see Jill Kushner (she’s ridiculously sexy & incredibly funny, but really, really shy), Josh Fadem, Stephanie Escajeda (VH1’s BSTV), Lesley Wolff, Melissa Paul (Mad TV), Andrea Savage (Significant Others), Whitney Cummings (Punk’d) & more. @ 8162 Melrose Ave.

HOLLY’S CORNER
Johnny Depp in Willie Wonka & the Chocolate Factory It seems perhaps the perfect overlap between over-the-top scoundrel Captain Jack Sparrow of "Pirates of the Caribbean" ilk and the man who wrote Peter Pan in the sweet real life drama about the reclamation of kindness, Finding Neverland, for Oscar winner Johnny Depp. With wit and whimsy, the young man whose roles in bent indie-even-when-it's-big-budget cinema like What's Eating Gilbert Grape, Edward Scissorhands, Donnie Brasco or even the scenery-chewing rockabilly on acid set piece Cry Baby can bring the nuances to the man whose balance between that which matters and a purveyor of childish pleasure to life in a way that will surely make role originator Gene Wilder proud. Coming this summer. For grown-ups, kids and everyone wondering just how the calendar squares with how they feel. Because, ultimately, innocence and wonder aren't about how much you've lived, but the way you decide to look at the way life rolls out before you.

JE-C’S NEW MOVIE RUNDOWN
Fantastic Four
Starring: Michael Chiklis, Ioan Gruffudd, Chris Evans, Jessica Alba, Julian McMahon, Maria Menounos, Kerry Washington, Hamish Linklater and Laurie Holden
Synopsis: After an accident in space, a team of scientists find that their DNA has been forever altered. The result? Superpowers, of course. Lead geek Reed Richards transforms into Mr. Fantastic, a man who can stretch his body. Susan Storm becomes the Invisible Woman, while her brother, Johnny Storm, finds that as the Human Torch, he can set himself ablaze. Finally, Ben Grimm turns into the Thing, a creature made of rocks. Together, dubbed the Fantastic Four, they take on the evil Dr. Doom.
Thoughts: I really want to see this movie; I just hope it doesn’t suck like War of The Worlds.

Dark Water
Starring: Jennifer Connelly, Shelley Duvall, Ariel Gade, Tim Roth, John C. Reilly, Camryn Manheim, Pete Postlethwaite, Dougray Scott, and Perla Haney-Jardine
Synopsis: In the middle of a nasty divorce, Dahlia Williams packs up and moves into a new apartment with her young daughter, Ceci. But her new digs are run-down and cramped, plus, she keeps hearing mysterious noises and a strange liquid begins leaking through the ceiling. And that's never good.
Thoughts: I love Jennifer Connelly, but I am just not sure how good this movie is going to be. It’s from the guy who did The Ring, which I fell asleep to, so who knows.