Are you ready for some football? Or are you simply coveting that turkey drumstick left over on the Thanksgiving platter? The Weakend Planner heads into the holidays proclaiming its innocence of any and all charges. We didn’t kill Lana Clarkson, nor did we sleep with adolescent boys at Neverland, and we’re still mulling a bid for the Warner Music Group. We’re also wondering how Jackson Browne and The Dells got into the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame over Patti Smith and The Stooges and puzzling why the Dictators’ Go Girl Crazy! and M.O.T.'s 19.99 were left out of the Rolling Stone 500 Greatest Albums of All Time. But never mind the controversy, here are some meaningless opinions not brought to you by Absolut.

POPCULT TOP 10
1. Beatles Redux: A flurry of revisionist Fab Four product has hit the stores just in time for the holidays, including the remastered/remixed Let It Be…Naked and the Lennon Legend DVD. Both have been re-imagined by the survivors for their own purposes, leaving those who are no longer around to argue for themselves without any input. The de-Spectorized Let It Be seems to exist mainly so that Paul McCartney could replace the hyper-romantic, cheesy strings on "The Long and Winding Road" with a just as cheesy electronic keyboard plink. And while the running order of the album has been changed for no apparent purpose, "Maggie Mae" and "Dig It" have been replaced with the much-better "Don’t Let Me Down," and the overall sound offers a welcome clarity and sonic separation, with a sparkling new George Harrison solo (from the movie) on "Let It Be." And while I wouldn’t argue the right for this new version to come out, I still have a soft spot for the underrated original, with its between-song studio patter and string-laden, overly sentimental "Long and Winding Road." Paul should have taken his own advice and "Let It Be." Lennon Legend, executive-produced by Yoko, includes some fascinating curios and some curious constructs. There are mesmerizing live versions of "Instant Karma" and "Cold Turkey," a wonderful clip for "Mind Games" with John roaming Central Park in a floppy hat dancing in the bandshell and his last live performance ever, singing "Imagine" in a red leather jumpsuit at a 1975 tribute to British show biz tycoon Lew Grade. There are also several of John’s delightful animations among the extras. But Yoko’s insistence on writing herself into Lennon’s legacy gets almost unbearable at times. Not that she shouldn’t be there, she certainly was, but why must we continue to see John through her eyes? It’s not that I object to the existence of these two stocking-stuffers, just that they shouldn’t replace the originals in future generations' minds. Next week, I'll examine The Concert for George CD and DVD because it seems that's a genuine tribute. (Roy Trakin)

2. Will Ferrell, Comedic Genius: Everybody quotes Christopher Walken as Bruce Dickinson from the Saturday Night Live skit in the studio with Blue Oyster Cult, "More cowbell." And it was Will Ferrell who brought the cowbell to life. You perhaps saw him in Zoolander or Austin Powers, the Spy Who Shagged Me. Maybe you can even admit that you thought he was brilliant in Old School, whether running naked or urging on a senior citizen to wrestle with two co-eds ("You’re my boy, Blue!"). But take the kids to see Elf and you’ll see that Ferrell has both the childlike sense of wonder that Tom Hanks captured in Big and the physical comedic style of the great John Ritter. It’s that funny. Do not doubt that Ferrell is about to explode: He stars as Ron Burgundy in the ‘70s news-send up Anchorman, he’s in the Starsky and Hutch movie, and he’s the voice of The Man in the Yellow Hat in 2005’s Curious George film. Watch the Anchorman clip here, and then bow down to the big man. (David Simutis)

3. OutKast, "Hey Ya" (Arista): Song of the year, perhaps. At any given moment it’s on one of the six stations pre-programmed in my car. Andre 3000 was the highlight of the AMAs. Well, it was the only part I watched, but it was great. Fits on hip-hop or alternative stations. It’s cooler than cool. And if you listen to it in the HITS cesspool, Mark Pearson will walk in your door and start dancing. (DS)

4. Book 'Em: With gift-giving season nearly upon us, we’d like to suggest three can’t-miss literary items for people with taste. Ian McEwan’s breathtaking 2002 novel Atonement (which I raved about in this space last week) is newly available in trade paperback from Anchor; no denizen of contemporary fiction should be without it. The late Patrick O’Brian’s sizable cult is likely to grow following the opening last weekend of the Peter Weir-directed Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World, which introduces Captain Jack Aubrey and Dr. Stephen Maturin to the big screen. As faithful to the vibe of the 20-book series as the movie is, it merely hints at the boundless joys of O’Brian’s remarkable series. Give (or get) the introductory volume, Master and Commander (Norton trade paper)—quite distinct from the film’s narrative, which draws to a far greater degree from the 10th novel, The Far Side of the World, and addiction will follow by, say, page 50. Finally, Michael Ruthig at Capitol/EMI tells me he recently discovered a bunch of copies of the gorgeous McSweeney's first edition of Nick Hornsby’s Songbook (which sold out months ago), complete with the accompanying CD, for 14 bucks at Amoeba. This, folks, is a score—you’d better get over there, like, now. (Bud Scoppa)

5. Talking Heads, Once in a Lifetime (Sire/Warner Archives): The crew from Rhino has concocted some wild and crazy box sets over the years, but this three-CD-plus-DVD package, overseen by former Rhino A&R head/now-consultant Gary Stewart, has to be the artiest—as well as the biggest nightmare for retailers. Essentially a lavish hardcover coffee-table book (according to my tape measure, it’s 16.75 inches long by 5.375 inches high), the package is adorned with fittingly avant-garde artwork by Vladimir Dubossarsky and Alexander Vinogradov. It also contains essays by ultra-hip wordsmiths Rick Moody, Mary Gaitskill and Maggie Estep, as well as reminiscences from all four bandmembers. It goes without saying that the musical selections (newly remastered by Bob Ludwig) from this one-of-a-kind band, which scored four albums in the RS 500 (see below), are impeccable, and every video Talking Heads ever made is on the DVD. This retrospective is as essential as it is unwieldy. (BS)

6. Rocket From the Tomb @ Knitting Factory, L.A: This legendary, proto-punk/art-metal Cleveland/Akron outfit bridged the gap from the midwestern garage rock of Alice Cooper and Iggy Pop, and the late-‘70s three-chord explosion which erupted in New York and London just a coupla years later. The original band featured future members of Pere Ubu (David Thomas, then known as Crocus Behemoth) and the Dead Boys (the late Stiv Bators and current member Cheetah Chrome) as well as one honest-to-goodness rock martyr legend (the late Peter Laughner). Joined by Television’s Richard Lloyd (whose pairing with Chrome makes a lot more musical sense than his partnership with Tom Verlaine), RFTT ran through a set of songs that later became classics, except for other groups. Laughner’s surging anthem "Amphetamine" was one highlight, while "Sonic Reducer" (later covered by the Dead Boys) had younguns not yet born when the band was formed moshing, while one guy took the nostalgia thing to heart and got booted for gobbing on the musicians. "Final Solution," "Thirty Seconds over Tokyo" and "Life Stinks," all of which became staples of Pere Ubu’s sets, also roiled like apocalypse then and now. A heavily shvitzing Thomas, resembling Orson Welles’ corpulent Hank Quinlan from Touch of Evil, had to sit between songs and catch his breath like Solomon Burke, but paced up and down the stage with his cane like a limping hamster in a cage, his hip giving out literally and figuratively. An album featuring studio versions of the live set is coming out on Smog Veil Records in February. Having seen Television, the Contortions and now RFTT over the last few weeks, it’s heartening to note, even if none of these pioneering punks ever experienced much commercial success, they’re still wowing audiences a quarter-century later. (RT)

7. Can’t-Watch TV: Viewing the last few episodes of HBO’s otherwise compelling Carnivale, I couldn’t help thinking my 12-year-old Mitsubishi big-screen was starting to fade into black as I strained to see the action, but I realized it wasn’t my tube, but the way the show was shot. It’s one thing to make feature films look dark, but most non-high-definition TVs don’t have the contrast to present stuff that isn’t well-lit. I also recently tried to watch the DVD of Hulk, only to find much of the initial action taking place in the shadows. When I finally saw the patently fake, CGI-created Green Galoot, it was obvious why his metamorphosis was so murky (he looked fake), but that’s no excuse not to lighten it up for the DVD version. And then, hearing Howard Stern complain about how he couldn’t see the TV show Angel, I realized it wasn’t just me. And that’s not even counting the night photography version of the Paris Hilton sex video, which looks like Children of the Damned meets Cheaters. (RT)

8. Isley Meets Bacharach (DreamWorks): The musical equivalent of "stunt casting"? Perhaps, but this project proves that when they want to, they can make ’em like they used to. Produced, arranged and conducted by Burt himself, this exquisite set of renditions underscores the rightful place of Isley—who’s lately wasted his miraculous pipes on R. Kelly twaddle—in the front rank of singers in any genre. Best of all, the pair take a loose, open approach to material that anyone but their creator might’ve treated too reverently. Witness the languorously soulful version of "Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head," which is a million miles from the dated arrangement of the original; hearing Isley repeat the phrase "I’m free" in his buttery falsetto utterly changed my perception of the tune. This could be the adult word-of-mouth record of the holiday season. (SG)

9. Joss Stone, Soul Sessions (S Curve): Steve Greenberg, the man who gave you Hanson, goes one better with this bony-ass British white chick who is utter old-school rhythm & blues meltdown. Her voice is the dust in the attic on the trunk that holds every glittering, shining moment of sexual undulation, deeper fulfillment and the devastation of betrayal that is the place where Motown should have intersected with the Delta’s ground-zero blues witness. Take this to the river, revisit all these beyond-belief soul classics reinvented by a girl willing to throw herself face first to the bottom of the water and wait til the current returns her to the surface with a new witness to it all. Note: her gender-reversal version of the White Stripes’ "Fell in Love With a Boy." (Holly Gleason)

10. www.Beautyandtruth.com: Rob Brezsny's horoscopes are a mainstay of the killer alternative weekly nation (even The Village Voice buys in), but his take on the world is far deeper and more empowering than merely reading the stars and offering insight into the forces and gravitational pulls working upon us. Along with collections of some of the most provocative readings culled for a broadening perspective, the man who gave the world Free Will Astrology weaves a life plan that stresses joy, celebrating the good things about ourselves rather than dwelling on the less than aspects and always trying to find a higher truth. Perhaps a little touchy-feely goddess-oriented for some. But if you strip away the parsley and apply what's being advocated, the world could be a much much better place in fairly short order. Now that's something to embrace as truth and beauty, huh? (HG)

THE FORTUNATE 500
Rolling Stone’s 500 Greatest Albums of All-Time: The venerable music mag’s year-end issue is dominated by the results of a poll of 273 tastemakers (inexplicably including Trakin and yours truly), and it’s almost certainly the most definitive such list ever. Inevitably, rock’s holy trinity—the Beatles, Dylan and the Stones—dominate the poll’s upper reaches, but there are some fascinating factoids to be gleaned from a close look at the results as a whole—at least for those of us with a Nick Hornsby-like fixation on lists and too much time on our hands. With that in mind, here’s what we discovered, at the cost of severe eyestrain and a fried calculator.

Decade Dominators
1930s: Robert Johnson, 2 LPs
1940s: None
1950s: Hank Williams, Elvis Presley, Frank Sinatra, Ray Charles and Buddy Holly, 2 apiece
1960s: The Beatles, 10; the Stones, 6; Dylan, the Byrds and Otis Redding, 5
1970s: David Bowie and Elton John, 6; Bob Marley & the Wailers, 5; Bruce Springsteen, Neil Young and Stevie Wonder, 4
1980s: Prince and the Smiths, 4; Springsteen and U2, 3
1990s: Nirvana, 3; nine with 2
2000s: Eminem, 2

Scoring the Labels
In this count, I’ve assigned credit to the original releasing label, as opposed to one with the current reissue or career retrospective. Warner Bros., which includes Reprise and Sire, is listed as a single label because the three imprints have long functioned as an integrated entity, whereas sister labels Columbia and Epic are listed separately because the two have always operated autonomously as in-house competitors similar to WB’s relationship to Elektra and Atlantic. Totals include associated sub-labels).
Warner Bros.: 78
Columbia: 60
Atlantic: 41
Capitol: 37
Elektra: 28
Epic: 27
MCA: 24
Island: 23
RCA: 17
A&M: 13

Fathers & Sons
Lenny Waronker produced Randy Newman’s 12 Songs (1970), Sail Away (1972) and Good Old Boys (1974); his son Joey drummed on Beck’s Odelay (1996) and Sea Change (2002). If you can find another nuclear-family combo, lemme know.

Ponce De Leon Award
A time span of half a lifetime—38 years—separates the earliest and most recent Bob Dylan entries, 1963’s The Freewheelin’ Bob Dylan and 2001’s Love and Theft.

You’re the Original, Baby
The poll boasts just one band in continuous existence with its original lineup for the past two decades. That would be U2, at 23 years and counting since its first album.

Double Dipping
Five artists made the RS 500 first as bandmember and later as solo artist: John Lennon (two), Paul McCartney (Wings’ Band on the Run), George Harrison (one), Paul Simon (two) and Lou Reed (two). Original Roxy Music member Brian Eno (two) doesn’t count because that band’s debut—the only Roxy album he appeared on [Ed. note: Column castigator Steve Mirkin points out that Eno does appear on the band's second album, For Your Pleasure, which is in the Top 500, to which Scoppa replies, "My bad"]—didn’t make the list (though four of their eight did) ; Neil Young doesn’t count because he joined CSNY after getting well into his solo career.

Male Order
The RS 500 tally contains only 61 albums by female artists and female-fronted groups. Leading the way is Madonna, with four appearances.

Stylin’
The RS 500 by genre:
Rock/pop: 360
R&B: 65
Hip-hop: 27
Blues: 14
Country: 10
Jazz: 7
Reggae: 7
Electronic/trip-hop: 6
Standards: 2
World music: 1
Traditional folk: 1

Missing in Action
Such critics’ darlings as the Everly Brothers, Roy Orbison, new Rock and Roll Hall of Fame inductee Traffic, Procol Harum, Little Feat, Fairport Convention, Emmylou Harris, Leonard Cohen, Harry Nilsson, Tim Buckley, Ivana’s beloved Yes and Warren Zevon failed to get enough votes to break into the top 500, while the roundly reviled Meat Loaf and Cyndi Lauper did. Go figure.

One-Crit Wonders
Bands and artists with one top 100 appearance and no other entries: Chuck Berry, Love, the Sex Pistols (but they recorded only one official LP), Patti Smith, the Allman Brothers Band, Little Richard, Guns N’ Roses, the Zombies, Dusty Springfield

Something Old, Something New
The most recent album of the 500 is the White Stripes’ Elephant (2003); the earliest recordings are from Robert Johnson (the 1930s). Considering Jack White’s avowed influences, there’s a fitting symmetry to these historical bookends.

Cheap Date
There’s no way of identifying the most and least expensive albums in the RS 500, but there are some intriguing anecdotal tidbits. When The Ramones was released in 1976, much was made in the press of the album’s $6,000 budget—an amount that wouldn’t cover a catered lunch at a typical session for Michael Jackson’s Thriller (1982) or Bad (’87). Beach Boy Mike Love has speculated that "Pet Sounds was probably the most expensive album" ever made up to that time, 1966. And My Bloody Valentine’s Loveless cost a reported $500,000, nearly bankrupting the band’s U.K. label, Creation; it’s gotta be the costliest indie album ever.

Something on the Side
It’s impossible to say with complete accuracy who played what on every track of these 500 albums, so we won’t venture a guess as to the session musician or musicians making the most appearances. Still, certain players seem to keep popping up in key moments, none more so than Al Kooper, who played on such classics as Dylan’s Highway 61 Revisited (including "Like a Rolling Stone") and Blonde on Blonde, The Who Sell Out, the Stones’ Let It Bleed and Jimi Hendrix’s Electric Ladyland, as well as leading Blood, Sweat & Tears and producing Lynyrd Skynyrd. That’s seven RS 500 appearances right there. Kooper’s resume would be hard to top. (Bud Scoppa)

YOUR WEAKEND WEATHER
Breaking News: The sun will rise and set this weekend. Here in Los Angeles, a mere hour drive from the newstrucks in Santa Barbara, it will be another gorgeous weekend. Highs will be in the mid-60s, lows in the upper 40s. And not a forest fire in sight. In New York City, a mere three-day drive from Santa Barbara, the weather will be similarly beautiful. Highs will be in the upper 50s, lows in the mid-40s. Cloudy on Sunday, but you can live with that, right? (DS)

TRAKIN’S PICKS TO FLICK
Dr. Seuss’ The Cat in the Hat (Universal)
Premise: A bored little boy and girl are visited on a rainy day, while their mother is away, by a Cat in a Hat, along with Thing #1 and Thing #2,who make a mess of the house. How do you turn 220 words into a two-hour movie?
Stars: Mike Myers, Spencer Breslin, Dakota Fanning, Alec Baldwin, Sean Hayes (as the voice of the goldfish), Kelly Preston, Paris Hilton.
Director: First-timer Bo Welch, with Brian Grazer as producer and make-up by Rick Baker.
Thumbs Up: Myers and the set design have to be worth a few giggles.
Thumbs Down: For fans of The Grinch Who Stole Christmas only… It’s no 5,000 Fingers of Dr. T, the 1953 film starring Hans Conried that was conceived and written by Seuss.
Soundtrack: Decca soundtrack includes Smash Mouth’s version of the Beatles’ "Getting Better," two songs by Myers, and music by David Newman.
Website: www.TheCatintheHatmovie.com features a kinetic intro, trailer, tickets, soundtrack information, games, a celebration of 100 years of Dr. Seuss and more.

Gothika (Warner Bros.)
Premise: A criminal psychologist awakens to find herself a patient in the very mental institution in which she works, with no memory of murdering her husband, which she’s accused of. As she tries to regain her memory and convince her co-workers of her innocence, a vengeful spirit uses her as an earthly pawn.
Stars: Halle Berry, Penelope Cruz, Robert Downey Jr., Charles S. Dutton.
Director: Mathieu Kassovitz’ (Hate, Café au Lait) English language bow.
Thumbs Up: Art-house horror, a B-movie with an A-list cast.
Thumbs Down: Not arty enough to attract the high-brows, and not horrific enough to hit the lowest common denominator.
Soundtrack: Varese Sarabande album includes music composed by John Ottman.
Website: www.gothikamovie.warnerbros.com/ loads with a hypodermic needle, includes trailer, film information, cast, filmmakers, media, downloads, photo gallery, tickets and showtimes and contests.

21 Grams (Focus Features)
Premise: The interconnected lives of a former drug addict/single mother, a terminally ill math professor and a spiritual ex-convict after a car accident. Twenty-one grams is supposedly the weight you lose at the exact moment of death.
Stars: Benicio Del Toro, Sean Penn, Naomi Watts, Clea Duvall (so good in Carnivale), Charlotte Gainsbourgh, Danny Huston, Melissa Leo.
Director: Director Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu and screenwriter Guillermo Arriaga make their English-language debuts after the international success of their Amores Perros.
Thumbs Up: Advance word is that this is a worthy successor to the narrative complexities of Perros, which also hinged on a car accident which brought together a group of interrelated individuals.
Thumbs Down: Will Inarritu and Arriaga’s sensibility translate into U.S. box office?
Soundtrack: Varese Sarabande album features music composed by Gustavo Santaolalla, tracks by Ozomatli, War ("Lowrider") and Ann Sexton.
Website: www.21-grams.com features a trailer, story synopsis, production notes, stills, cast and filmmaker information.

The Barbarian Invasions (Miramax)
Premise: When a divorced man is hospitalized with terminal cancer, his ex-wife asks their son to return from his cushy, capitalist existence in London to reconcile their long-held differences. The son proceeds to reunite the people in his hedonistic, ex-radical father’s life: relatives, friends and former mistresses, who try to provide the old irreverence, friendship and truculence that made up their "barbarian invasions."
Stars: Remy Girard, Dominique Michel, Marie-Josee Croze, Louise Portal, Yves Jacques, Pierre Curzi, Dorothee Berryman.
Director: Acclaimed Canadian Denys Arcand (Jesus of Montreal, The Decline of the American Empire, Love and Human Remains).
Thumbs Up: An uplifting, but clear-eyed view of mortality, complete with critical kudos; Marie-Josee Cruze won Best Actress at Cannes Film Festival.
Thumbs Down: It’s Canadian.
Soundtrack: None.
Website: www.miramax.com offers a plot synopsis, cast and credits, the trailer and movie showtimes.

QUOTE OF THE WEEK
Who hasn’t seen the Paris Hilton sex tape? "I saw it by accident, but two thumbs up," Pamela Anderson was quoted as saying in amNewYork. (Valerie Nome)

NEW YORK MINUTE
Korn and Limp Bizkit light up Hammerstein Ballroom (311 W. 34^th St.) on Friday, while Ani DiFranco hits the Beacon Theatre (2124 Broadway) on Saturday. (VN)

DENISE’S WEAKEND COCKTAIL
I’ve returned to Earth from my relationship cloud nine feeling like my old self once again. Being single and bitter for so long, I had often fantasized about the fairytale-type of a relationship I would someday find myself in. I thought I’d find Prince Charming, we’d settle into our cozy relationship and everything would be hunky-dory—not so much. Don’t get me wrong. I’m still smitten with my tattooed hottie, but the problem is that I haven’t been in a relationship in so long I’ve forgotten about all of those relationship things we’re forced to deal with. Getting a new boyfriend is like getting a new puppy. Before you get the puppy, you’re excited about all of the fun you’re going to have with your new furry friend, but you’re a lot less excited when you’re woken up at 4 a.m. to walk that cute little puppy or when he chews your favorite pair of strappy sandals. That’s when you embark on the "No, no…bad dog" phase of the relationship, and that’s where I’m at in my new relationship—the training phase. I thought being single was tough, but I’d have to say that this isn’t a cakewalk, either. If your puppy pees on the carpet, you might rub his nose in it. Apply the same technique when your man ogles at other girls or forgets to call you back. My cocktail of the week is dedicated to every gal who’s ever had to send her guy to obedience school.

Dog Piss
1 oz. vodka
1 1/2 oz. Southern Comfort
12 oz. beer
Pour all ingredients into a pint glass and try to enjoy.

After I acquired a boyfriend, I was worried I wouldn’t have anything to write about anymore. Actually, I have more stuff now to make fun of you guys about. I’ve been chatting with some of my girlfriends and have come up with a few of the behaviors that drive us batty.

Top 4 "No, No…Bad Dog" Behaviors

Every time Heidi Klum, Paris Hilton, Tara Reid or any other half-naked female celebrity flashes on the TV screen, he announces, "She’s hot! I’d bang her," or the especially irritating, "I’m sorry, but OH MY GOD!" We know you guys think they’re hot, we think they’re hot, but give it a rest. It gets really old, really fast.
When you two started dating, he would make-out with you for hours, but now it’s straight to the entrée. The disappearing foreplay phenomenon just pisses us off. Don’t roll over in the middle of the night and assume we’re ready to go. You guys are ready to knock it out with the drop of your drawers, but we need a little more, so entice us into missing out on our much-needed sleep. I know it’s hard to believe, but at 3 a.m., your hard penis isn’t reason enough for us.
We searched long and hard for that perfect pair of panties that accentuates all of our best parts. We spent a lot of dough on them and we expect you to notice—damn it! You seem to have no problem noticing them on the Victoria Secret models.
He says he’ll call and come over at 11 p.m., but it’s not until 2 a.m. when your phone finally rings. When his call does come in, we’re livid, because we haven’t slept due to constant worrying that our beau has been in a horrible accident or thrown in jail. Guys, if you say you’re going to call, then call. If you say you’re coming over, then come over, because if you don’t, we’re going to be pissed because we’re neurotic.

De’s L.A. bar pick of the week: You may never find a guy as perfect as the one you’ve sketched in your head, but at the Drawing Room on Hillhurst, you’ll have fun looking. This tiny joint has been a staple in the Los Feliz dive bar scene for 20 years. On a nightly basis, the place is packed with chatty Silverlake-types. The regulars have no problem striking up a conversation with whoever fills the barstool next to them. Dark but friendly, the Drawing Room is definitely a place to go if you want to enjoy cheap drinks and a good jukebox without any pretentions.

I know it seems like I’m harping on you guys again—I am. Just like it’s necessary to discipline a puppy, sometimes it’s necessary for men too. But, remember all of the petting you receive when you’re good boys. I hope everyone has a safe and sexy weekend. Until next week—hugs and kisses. (Denise Bayles)

Thanks to Roy Trakin, David Simutis, Bud Scoppa, Simon Glickman, Holly Gleason, Valerie Nome and Denise Bayles for taking this Planner down the field and scoring.