It should come as no surprise to anyone who knows even the tiniest bit about HITS that what we know about cloning would barely fill the reservoir tip of a suspiciously small condom. Certainly, if we had cloning technology, we’d be spending much more time on the links, in the porn chatrooms or in the gutter in front of the Coconut Teaszer. Sadly, we haven’t mastered cloning. In fact, a few of us have only recently mastered reading without moving our lips and eating with those things called "you-TEN-sulls." And even if we did master cloning technology, don’t you think our first order of business would be to create the perfect sheep? You know, the one with shapely shanks and very little inclination to run no matter what the danger from behind. A sheep that knows when to give love and when to go graze. We might even engineer a couple beer holders on that hind end. Oh yeah… now that’s puttin’ science to good use.

TRAKIN'S PICKS TO FLICK
American Pie 2 (Universal): This follow-up to the 1999 original, which did for apple pie what Portnoy's Complaint did for chicken livers, is the last high-visibility sequel of the summer. The film returns most of the original's newcomers turned stars, including Jason Biggs, Shannon Elizabeth, Alyson Hannigan, Chris Klein, Natasha Lyonne, Tara Reid, Mena Suvari and SCTV alumnus Eugene Levy in the role of the befuddled oldster once played by Paul Lynde. Taking over the directorial chores from brothers Paul and Chris Weitz is J.B. Rogers, making his debut after working with the Farrelly brothers on several of their movies as an assistant director. This time around, a year after their infamous sexual misadventure on prom night, the crew still hasn't fully recovered. Kevin, Jim, Oz, Finch and Stifler rent a beach house, vowing to celebrate their friendship and have the best summer ever, while trying to make their dreams come true with Vicky, Michelle, Nadia, Heather and Jessica. It's all ear-splitting parties, side-splitting mishaps and yes, one more trip to band camp. And while losing their virginity is no longer the main issue, apparently this time around, the gang graduates to such perversions as golden showers. Still despite its reputation as a gross-out teen comedy, the original had a coming-of-age sweetness about it, along with downright appealing characters that it became Generation Y's answer to Porky's, which is not a bad place to be. Advance word says the sequel maintains that feel-good vibe. The punk-rocking Republic/Universal/UMG Soundtracks album features Blink-182, 3 Doors Down, Uncle Kracker, Sum 41 and Oleander, while the comprehensive website can be found at www.americanpiemovie.com, including Instant Message buddy icons based on the movie's lead characters available for downloading.

The Others (Dimension/Miramax): A subtle haunted-house tale that has been compared to Robert Wise's original The Haunting and Jack Clayton's The Innocents, which was based on Henry James' The Turn of the Screw, this is the first American-language film from acclaimed Spanish director Alejandro Amenabar. The movie was executive-produced by Tom Cruise for then-wife Nicole Kidman, who stars as a young woman on a secluded British island waiting in vain with two young children in a magnificent, cavernous Victorian mansion for her beloved husband to return from World War II. After a new trio of servants arrives to replace the crew that inexplicably disappeared, startling events begin to unfold as the children start seeing unexplained apparitions like Tom Cruise's underwear and leftover absinthe from Moulin Rouge. Amenabar is best-known as the director of the critically acclaimed, Spanish-language Abre Los Ojos (Open Your Eyes), which starred Penelope Cruz, now rumored to be Cruise's current love interest and who just finished co-starring with the superstar in Cameron Crowe's upcoming English-language version of the film, Vanilla Sky. Small world, innit? The Sony Soundtrax album features Amenabar's own original score, while the not-very-scary website can be accessed at www.theothers.com.

Osmosis Jones (Warner Bros.): Those masters of yeccchhh comedy, the Farrelly brothers, return with a combination live-action/animated cartoon. It's about a slob zookeeper and fast-food junkie (Bill Murray) whose deteriorating body is invaded from within by viral hit men (Laurence Fishburne's Thrax) and microscopic corrupt politicians bent on taking over his circulatory system. Chris Rock's title character, a lovable but ornery white-blood cell, and David Hyde Pierce's Drix, a haughty cold medicine in outer space discowear, are there to enter Murray's bloodstream, Fantastic Voyage stylee, in an attempt to save the man from himself. Apparently, the Farrellys are given carte blanche to explore all manner of bodily excretions, as we explore Frank's innards for a visit to Zit, a pulsing rock club in which an animated Kid Rock (known as Kidney Rock) performs. Also on hand is William Shatner as Mayor Phlegmming and Brandy as his assistant Leah. The Warner Sunset/Atlantic Records soundtrack boasts songs from Sunshine Anderson, Brandy, Craig David, De La Soul, Drama, R. Kelly, Kid Rock & Joe C., Debelah Morgan, Nappy Roots, Nivea, Trick Daddy, Uncle Kracker and the first single is St. Lunatics' "Summer in The City," which will be accompanied by video. The dazzling, colorful website, at www.osmosisjones.com, features games, artwork, downloads and more in the form of a trip through someone's bloodstream and is undoubedly more clever than the movie itself, whose sub-Bakshi animation makes "Ren & Stimpy" look complex. —Roy Trakin

QUOTE OF THE WEEK
"If stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?" —Will Rogers

IN PRAISE OF ROXY MUSIC
Re-Make, Re-Model: Virgin's release of The Best of Roxy Music is timely, given the group's current live resurrection, and it's remarkable how well their oeuvre has held up over time. As esteemed officemate Bud Scoppa points out, the album is an aural version of Memento, the songs starting with the band's most recent Avalon/Manifesto hits, then going back in time to early stuff like "Virginia Plain" and "Do the Strand." Listening to them in this form—then seeing their remarkable show at the Greek—the group really does come off as the missing link in English art-rock between The Beatles and The Move and more cumbersome, pretentious stuff like ELO and, ultimately, Radiohead. But for all his band’s experimentation and high-brow flirtation, Bryan Ferry has always come off like a slightly seedy, dirty old man, a working-class dude somewhat uncomfortable in his lame suits and tuxedos; now he's finally aged enough to fit the part. The group's tongue-in-chic irony hasn’t dated either; indeed, the passage of time has made the songs seem even more modernist. And when Ferry croons "In-flat-able dolly," during the mock-melodramatic "In Every Dream Home a Heartache," it's like the rock & roll equivalent of an episode of Six Feet Under. Always underrated, this new flurry of Roxy activity has me thinking they should be shoo-ins for the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame. And while overshadowed by the likes of David Bowie in their heyday, Roxy's music—perhaps because of its underexposure—sounds the much fresher of the two today. —R.T.

Manifesto: Roxy Music was a shotgun marriage between art-rock and showbiz (heavy on the glitter, irony and je ne sais quoi), which just happens to play as well in 2001 as it did in 1975. After witnessing a revelatory performance by the reunited principals, followed by obsessively spinning Virgin’s handy new single-disc retrospective, I was left with a deepened regard for this band’s significance. But I was left as well with a nagging question: Where are Roxy’s contemporary equivalents—bands with the talent and ambition to fuse aesthetics and entertainment into an exciting and elegant whole? Radiohead perhaps comes closest, but (up to now, at least) that band lacks a pair of crucial elements that Roxy possessed in spades—a sense of humor and a body of truly memorable songs. In this sense, it’s hard to imagine Radiohead pulling off a tour de force on the order of Roxy’s Greek performance of "Both Ends Burning." Revisiting that vivid anthem of cocaine-era excess, the wily veterans added the incongruous element of four ’60s-style go-go girls dancing in sync behind the players, with Ferry (who’s finally found his groove, as one concertgoer marveled) negotiating some smooth steps of his own alongside Roxy guitarist Phil Manzanera and guest axe man Chris Spedding as they feverishly dueled away, fretboard to fretboard. As gleefully over-the-top as a performance by Roxy contemporaries the Tubes, this kitchen-sink extravaganza, simultaneously satirizing and embracing rock excesses, at once tickled and thrilled the adoring audience. Roxy needs to stick around long enough to show young bands how it’s done. —Bud Scoppa

For Your Pleasure: As a longtime obsessive fan of the first five Roxy albums, I went to the Greek show expecting perhaps a nod to that early art-rock phase, with a set list heavily tilted toward the penthouse disco-pop that won them international chart success in the early ’80s. What a delicious shock, then, to hear them kick off with the opening track from the eponymous Roxy debut, "Re-Make/Re-Model," with its hard-charging rock riffs and noisy solos. Further disbelief followed as they knocked off faithful renditions of such glam-era highlights as "Street Life," "Out of the Blue," "For Your Pleasure," "A Song for Europe," "Ladytron" ("Ladytron," dude!), "Mother of Pearl," "Editions of You" and many more. True, they skipped "Virginia Plain" and "If There Is Something," but for the most part the song choices appeared to have been cribbed from my personal mixes. Not only were Ferry, Manzanera, reed player Andy MacKay and (especially) drummer Paul Thompson in top form, but the guest players were brilliant—especially the woman (Lucy something; wish I knew her full name) who handled Eno’s raucous analog-synth mischief and Eddie Jobson’s lyrical violin parts (not to mention assorted harmony support) with equal aplomb. A knockout show. —Simon Glickman

AUTOEROTIC
Candy-O: The Peterson Automotive Museum has a treat for music fans with its current exhibit, "Cars and Guitars of Rock ‘N’ Roll," which was curated by certified industry legend (and Studebaker freak) Bob Merlis. The ’67 Stratocaster set ablaze by Jimi Hendrix at the Miami Pop Festival of ’68 is featured (after Monterey, of course, he had to burn at least one axe per show). You can also gawk at Frank Zappa’s ’73 Rolls Royce, Strats plucked by George Harrison, Eric Clapton and Jeff Beck, Van Halen bassist Michael Anthony’s custom Fanshaw four-string and "Fire Roadster" (pictured), vintage Fords owned by Clapton and Cher, Janis Joplin’s "psychedelic" Porsche, the "Cadzilla" owned by ZZ Top’s Billy Gibbons, the Monkee Mobile from the TV show and many more. So gas up your SUV and spend the afternoon explaining to the kids who Rod Stewart was. 6060 Wilshire Blvd. (at Fairfax), L.A. Call 323-930-CARS for general info. —S.G.

DON’T FORGET YOUR EARPLUGS
This weekend’s concert line-up is filled with bands that have been demanding attention in the indie-rock scene for years—the only problem is some of the scene’s best venues require driving a little farther than the Sunset Strip. Keep in mind that you probably spend more time entertaining yourself while sitting in rush hour traffic, so quit your whining and start the car… Jimmy Eat World is set to rock the Glass House twice this weekend. Emo fans have raved about these Arizona natives for years, and their recently-released DreamWorks LP is selling strong, thanks to the strength of the vibe-rating first single, "Bleed American"… Local indie-rockers, however, will spend Saturday night at Linda’s Doll Hut in Anaheim, catching up with the best of OC’s indie scene: Jay Buchanan, Wonderlove—admit it, you loved them at the last Wheels showcase—and the county’s favorite prog-rock trio, Square. The buzz on this band has only heightened with the addition of guitarist Gannin Arnold. Arnold boasts an impressive professional resume, including guitar-work for John Tesh—but we won’t hold that against him… Meanwhile, SoCal ska/punkers Reel Big Fish and Goldfinger finish their nationwide "Crouching Fish, Hidden Finger" tour with hometown shows at Anaheim’s Sun Theater tonight and the Palace on Saturday. The bands have played to capacity crowds the entire tour, without the support of a new CD for either act. In fact, Reel Big Fish also recently headlined a sold-out European tour, playing venues like London’s Astoria without a single European release. Meanwhile, the "Sell Out" stars have been sitting on a new American album for about a year, ever since their label, Mojo Records, was dropped by Universal. The band probably would have sold their souls to a new label, but they were already sold on eBay—literally. —Yennie Cheung

PRESIDENTIAL FACT OF THE WEEK
John F. Kennedy, our 35th president, was born May 29, 1917, in Brookline, MA. Kennedy received the Purple Heart and the Navy and Marine Corps Medal, won the Pulitzer Prize in history for his book Profiles in Courage and took the Boston area belching crown three years in a row. While Kennedy wasn’t the first American president to be assassinated, he was certainly the handsomest. At 44, Kennedy was the youngest man elected president. And when a 46-year-old Kennedy was assassinated in Dallas’ Dealy Plaza on Nov. 22, 1963 by Oliver Stone, he became the youngest to die in office. Kennedy was also the only American president to both sleep with Marilyn Monroe and pay to have her killed, while making it look like a suicide. Best Anagram Of His Name: Jenn fed honky.

LP’Z PS2 GAME OF THA WEEK
Rumble Racing: First and foremost, I have to give major props to wifey, DezMofo, for crackin’ this game wide-open. I know this shittt haz been out for a minute, and I must come clean and say that this game haz been sittin on my PS2 crate for a few—but this game iz bangin. Kidz, this one iz definitely for you, so get the turtle out of your tank and take the training wheels off your hot rod—this iz Rumble Racing, and it ain't for pussy-footers who're scared of tha gas pedal. This iz stunt-busting, air-popping, nitro-burning, rubber-rashing, engine-firing racing action on sum of tha wildest tracks you've ever seen. There are 35 tweaked-out muscle cars in your garage, ready to guzzle gas and run rowdy on dozens of insane tracks filled with ramps, dips, jumps, switch courses, break-away secrets and everything else that might be thrown in to muck around with. Bust stunts to build your speed, and juice your caboose with blasting power-ups. You'll get giddy from tha altitudes with all the air you get off this racer! —Latin Prince aka Adios

A NEW YORK MINUTE
In a city with so many clubs and so many options, you'd think that there'd be more to do a on Friday night. But there's only one decent show worth checking out, and that's Glenn Tilbrook of Squeeze at Maxwell’s. He'll have a full band and he's sure to play a Squeeze song or two, so it should be worth checking out. Saturday brings the long-awaited TRL tour to town as Destiny's Child, Eve, Nelly, Dream and 3LW hit Jones Beach. Quite possibly the best lineup for a tour lately? Most definitely. One could even say it's bootylicious! OK, OK, you saw that one coming. Take a 180-degree check out the Ozzfest on Sunday as it rolls into the PNC Arts Bank in New Jersey. Arrive early for Crazy Town, Linkin Park and Papa Roach, who kick things off, followed by Slipknot, Marilyn Manson and Black Sabbath. —Heidi Anne-Noel

SITE OF THE WEEK
Refreshing! Every 10 Seconds: Maybe your place of employment doesn’t actually have a water cooler around which people gather and chat about this week’s Sopranos or Sex & the City episodes. Maybe, like here at HITS, people just don’t gather around the coolers in your office. (Although it’s frequently a good place to find a coffee mug with some mold or fungus flourishing in it.) Maybe you work at home. Whatever the case, whether you’ve got a cooler or not, I’m sure you’re familiar with the pull of the cooler. Like a planet drawing interstellar detritus toward it, the cooler draws the working man. Recognized by such far-flung publications as the LA Weekly, USA Today and Lockergnome Digital Media Report, the Cooler Cam is the perfect place for both the cooler-dispossessed and the telecommuter to congregate. Provided by the offices of MediaPlan, 24-hours a day, the site also offers a random gallery of past images (in case there ain’t no action goin’ on) as well as a sound file of a cooler burping, so you can feel like you’re really fuelin’ up at the office. –J.D.

MARK YOUR CALENDAR!
Upcoming Birthdays
Aug. 10-16
10—Jack Haley (would have been 91)
11—Alex Haley [no relation] (would have been 80) & Hulk Hogan (48)
12—Joe Besser (would have been 94)
13—Alfred Hitchcock (would have been 102)
14—Steve Martin (56) & Gary Larson (51)
15—Napoleon Bonaparte (would have been 232) & Julia Child (89)
16—Charles Bukowski (would have been 81)

Special Events
11—Bud Billiken Day (Chicago, IL)
15—Love Day

YOUR WEAK-END WEATHER
Sanitized For Your Protection: If one more person asks me if it’s hot enough for me, I’m going to nod politely and chuckle. On the East Coast, which has been so hot people have forgotten about whatever tragedy the New York Post is exploiting, things look to cool off following thunderstorms Friday night. Look for a low only in the mid-70s. Saturday and Sunday should only hit the mid-80s, with lows in the mid-70s. Decent chance of rain all weekend as well. Out here in the city that never sweats, the weekend will be the usual blah highs in the upper 70s and lows in the mid-60s. A dollar for anyone who correctly guesses the last weekend that it rained. Word up. —David Simutis, Senior Meteorology Correspondent

"FACTS OF LIFE" SUMMARY FOR THE WEEK
The hazards of drinking and driving are driven home to the girls when they go to a pizza party thrown for them by Tootie's brother.