HITS co-founders Dennis Lavinthal and Lenny Beer are pleased to announce… eh, maybe we should start again.

HITS co-founders Dennis Lavinthal and Lenny Beer are obligated to announce the promotion of Todd Hensley to Chief Operating Officer.

In his new post, HITS veteran Hensley will be requisitioned a slightly larger desk, from which he will oversee company “operations,” such as they are, including the print publication, the HitsDailyDouble website, Pop and Rhythm radio formats and whoopee-cushion manufacturing.

He will also, of course, roll his perpetual wheedling phone calls in hopes of extracting advertising, gossip or both from whichever unlucky industry professionals fail to dodge him. Said professionals will additionally be subjected to excruciatingly dull stories about tuna fishing, scuba diving, zip-lining and other activities that are ostensibly fun to do but exasperating to hear about.

A native of Merkel, Texas—where dancing was forbidden and sheep were afraid—Hensley has nonetheless managed to learn enough Yiddish phrases to communicate with his coworkers. Fun fact: He spells on a third-grade level and is still overqualified to run point on HITS editorial.

Hensley subsists almost entirely on fried chicken tenders, gallons of spiced rum and Pineapple Express “medical” cannabis. His accomplishments at HITS include teaching extracurricular classes in cow-tipping and saying “Yeeeeee-haw” in at least one language.

“Who is Todd Hensley, why am I paying him and what the hell is a Chief Operating Officer?” asked Beer, adding, “From what I hear, the guy can barely operate a toaster.”

Lavinthal was on vacation and unavailable for comment.