HITS has announced that Michael Dominguez and Jesse MacMillan have been promoted to the positions of Senior Editor and Managing Editor, respectively. The announcement was made by COO Todd Hensley and President Karen Glauber, with little emotion.

The promotions represent improvements in neither compensation nor stature for the two employees, but the increased demands that come with their exalted titles will, in all likelihood, cause whatever remains of their spirits to be ground into the dust very quickly indeed.

Dominguez, who began his tenure at HITS in 2017 as Editor in Chief Lenny Beer’s caddy, will continue cranking out pandering feature stories and cut-and-paste press-release items to accommodate the HITS website’s gaping content maw. He is said to be approaching his 1,000th use of the phrase “blowing up on TikTok.” Dominguez, who recently became a father, swears that dirty diapers smell considerably better than the HITS offices.

MacMillan, an erstwhile business major, started out as a HITS intern in 2016, at which time he taught the company’s team of assistant gerbils how to use a photo scanner and explained to senior management how the stock market works. In his new capacity he will continue to make meticulous workflow spreadsheets that nobody looks at, blather about college hoops, try to book a table at Madeo and remind Hensley to feed the sheep. He is, of course, the nephew of David Adelson.

“Michael Dominguez and Jesse MacMillan are classic examples of failing upwards, if by ‘upwards’ one means laboring in obscurity with an ever-increasing workload,” said Glauber while bidding on a set of Todd Rundgren NFTs. “I wish them luck. Or do I?”

“I get to be quoted in news stories now,” added Hensley. “Also, did I mention that I smoke my own brisket?”

“Who are Michael Dominguez and Jesse MacMillan, and why am I paying them?” asked Beer, “Also, how the fuck do you open this spreadsheet?”

HITS Publisher Dennis Lavinthal was on vacation and unavailable for comment.