It’s become almost an Oscar tradition—as much a part of the annual festivities as the late Swifty Lazar’s party at Spago; Joan Rivers barking, "Who are you wearing?" on the red carpet; "Uma-Oprah, Oprah-Uma" or someone streaking across the stage in back of David Niven.

Each year before the Oscar ceremony, which will be held this Sunday for the first time at L.A.’s Kodak Theater, HITS editorial braintrust (and we use that term loosely) gather round the office vaporizer to sort out the winners.

Our answer to Siskel & Roeper—call them Sissy & Doper—Lenny "Buttered Popcorn" Beer and Roy "Pass the JewJewBs" Trakin (with free kibitzing from Marc "Makes Out In The Balcony With Himself" Pollack and Simon "Bare Breasts and Subtitles Are His Favorite Things About the Movies" Glickman) help fill out your Oscar form.

Best Movie
Trakin: I know Beautiful Mind is the odds-on favorite, but I think Lord of the Rings has all the elements that the Academy looks for—a big, epic tale in the mode of Gladiator and Braveheart.. It won the producers’ award; I have a feeling the reality-tampering charges leveled at Mind will hurt it in the voting.
Beer: Beautiful Mind… It’s just the best fucking picture in this field.

Best Actor
Trakin: I think it’s Denzel Washington in a slight upset. The guy was just incredible in that cop-of-the-walk role. I don't believe the Academy will give an arrogant foreigner like Russell Crowe an Oscar two years in a row. I mean, beloved Hollywood actors like Spencer Tracy and Tom Hanks are one thing, but an Aussie rock-star wannabe who walked out on Meg Ryan?
Beer: What are you writing, a fucking thesis here? I like Russell Crowe. But I think the black vote’s going to Halle Berry this year.

Best Actress
Trakin: Yeah, I feel the momentum growing for Halle Berry. I think she’s overtaken Sissy Spacek these last few weeks.
Beer: I feel a lot of personal momentum for Halle Berry.

Best Supporting Actor
Trakin: This seems to be Ian McKellen’s year. He’s British, he’s gay and Hollywood loves that kind of thing.
Beer: McKellen may well win, but I feel Ben Kingsley’s performance in Sexy Beast is the best in any category.

Supporting Actress
Beer: Jennifer Connelly is clearly the winner for her performance at the lake in Dennis Hopper’s Hot Spot.
Trakin: This is the only category where there’s a clear-cut winner. It’s this year’s Marcia Gay Harden "Best Actress Masquerading As a Supporting Actress Award."
Pollack: It’s actually for her performance with the dildo in Requiem for a Dream.

Best Director
Pollack: Opie comes of age.
Trakin: Yeah, as much as I’d like to see old man Altman get his first Oscar after five nominations, I’m afraid it’s time for Hollywood to honor one of its own.
Beer: Ronnie won the DGA Award; Ronnie wins the Academy Award.
Pollack: He wins the Hair Club for Men award.
Beer: Don’t be so hard on Ronnie.

Best Song
Beer: As a "music professional," I feel there are no winners in this category. If forced to make a pick, I’ll take Sting.
Trakin: Does George Harrison have anything nominated this year?
Pollack: I’m going to have to go with Enya. It was Enya’s year.
Trakin: Yes, unfortunately. Maybe the Academy will finally take pity on its own version of Susan Lucci and give either Diane Warren or Randy Newman one this year.

Best Score
Beer: This is the worst category. I don’t even want to pick, but I’ll take Beautiful Mind.
Trakin: I’d like A.I. to win at least one, but John Williams has two nominations, so I’m figuring this is one of those categories where Lord of the Rings could win.
Pollack: John Williams wins every year.

Cinematography
Beer: I’m going with the Rings. This is a category that is well-Rung.
Pollack: I’d go with Moulin Rouge. It was the prettiest.
Trakin: I didn’t see the Coen Brothers movie, but everyone’s raving about Roger Deakins’ black and white photography for The Man Who Wasn’t There was superb.

Original Screenplay
Pollack: Memento was my favorite movie of the year.
Beer: I’m taking Gosford Park.
Trakin: The Royal Tenenbaums’ script was brilliant, yeah, but Julian Fellowes’ screenplay for Gosford Park was the perfect distillation of Agatha Christie and Upstairs, Downstairs, with a post-modernist twist.

Adapted Screenplay
Trakin: If this category isn’t an Akiva Goldsman slam-dunk for Beautiful Mind, I don’t know what is.
Pollack: A Beautiful Mind was a beautiful screenplay.
Trakin: What are you, competing to become a blurbmeister with David Manning?
Beer: I’m definitely down with the whole Beautiful Mind thing. Did you know my wife was his English teacher in high school?

Foreign Film
Glickman: Amelie… A French film with Audrey Tautou… Enough said.
Pollack: Is that the one married to Ernest Borgnine? Oh no, that’s Tova.
Beer: I would like to give kudos to No Man’s Land and recommend everyone see it, but Amelie will win. The other ones haven’t even opened yet, so who cares?

Make-Up
Beer: Another easy Ring win.
Pollack: I particularly liked Jennifer Connelly as the hobbit.
Trakin: Whaddya mean Planet of the Apes wasn’t nominated?

Editing
Beer: Who won the Editors’ award?
Trakin: Pietro Scalia for Black Hawk Down on the dramatic side and Jill Bilcock for Moulin Rouge on the comedy or musical side.
Beer: I’m going with Black Hawk Down..
Trakin: I gotta figure this is one where Moulin Rouge should win. My head still hurts from that movie.

Documentary Feature
Beer: There’s no Holocaust movie this year… We’re fucked!! What’s Children of the Underground about? Isn’t that sort of like Kinder Transport? I’ll look it up on imdb.com and let you know.