HITS' Robin Gerber and Nicole Ghapgharan have been promoted to the positions of Senior Operations Director and Features Editor, respectively. The news was announced by HITS President Karen Glauber and COO Todd Hensley, neither of whom has any idea what those titles mean.

Gerber, who spent time at Capitol Records before becoming a HITS loser, has steadfastly resisted the prevailing trends at the company by being quietly competent. Her duties extend from advertising logistics and scheduling to subscription management and publication distribution. Her ability to both read and revise a calendar has long dazzled and mystified her superiors. In her spare time, Gerber works on her stained-glass portraits of Harry Styles.

Ghapgharan hitherto served as Associate Editor. In her new position, she will continue to oversee the Noisemakers and Vibe Raters sections, write stories for HitsDailyDouble.com and facilitate the company’s continued irrelevance on social media as custodian of the @HITSDD Instagram feed. She has also demonstrated her willingness to withstand any indignity by looking after Marc Pollack’s dog, Stan Lee, when he goes out of town “on business.”

“Robin and Nicole are prime examples of dynamic, dedicated women standing up to the patriarchy by doing whatever the hell it is that they do,” declared Glauber while refining a Facebook post ranking all of Todd Rundgren’s albums. “I very much look forward to meeting them someday. Or do I?”

“I caught a fish with my fishing pole,” added Hensley. “But then my 17 cats ate it.”

“Who are Robin Gerber and Nicole Ghapgharan and why am I paying them?” asked HITS Editor in Chief Lenny Beer. “Also, I need somebody to fix my calendar.”

HITS Publisher Dennis Lavinthal was on vacation and unavailable for comment.