Starting this week, your feeble servants here in the virtual cesspool will give you their suggestions on Friday mornings, rather than later in the day, so you'll have more time to consider and then, inevitably, dismiss them. Problem is, it's well nigh impossible to rouse most of these knuckle-dragging primates from their unconscious states much before noon. Solution: As they lumber in, hook up their coffee IVs and boot up their Commodores, we'll add their ill-considered verbiage to the Weak-End Planner throughout the course of the day. Wish us luck.

TEN CLASSY MOVIES
The Writers Guild of America has just announced its nominations for best screenplay, and the 10-film list could easily double as the strongest tally of must-see recent films we've come across—on top of that, it just happens to include two of the best rock & roll movies ever made. Conspicuously absent from this field is "Gladiator," which prognosticators say has the inside track for Best Picture at next month's Academy Awards. By the way, the Oscar nominations will be announced next Tuesday. In the meantime, for a good time, go see any of the movies listed below. —Bud Scoppa

Best Original Screenplay:
"Almost Famous," Cameron Crowe
"Best in Show," Christopher Guest and Eugene Levy
"Billy Elliot," Lee Hall
"Erin Brockovich," Susannah Grant
"You Can Count On Me," Kenneth Lonergan

Best Adapted Screenplay:
"Chocolat," Robert Nelson Jacobs, based on Joanne
      Harris' novel
"Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon," Wang Hui-Ling,
      James Schamus and Tsai Kuo Jung, based on
      Wang Du Lu's novel
"High Fidelity," D.V. DeVincentis, Steve Pink, John
      Cusack and Scott Rosenberg, based on Nick
      Hornby's novel
"Traffic," Stephen Gaghan, based on the British
      TV miniseries
"Wonder Boys," Steve Kloves, based on Michael
      Chabon's novel

GUY WITH THE GOGGLES' XFL GAME OF THE WEEK
L.A. XTREME –7 Over Chicago Enforcers
Shoot fire, I love this here XFL. Now, we're talkin' serious football when you kin get yer shoulder dislocated on the coin flip. I think I have this whole thang figgered out: It's a name thang. Like this here week, the L.A. Xtreme are favored by seven over the Chicago Enforcers. I say lay the points and take the Xtreme, cuz Death Blow, Big Nate, The Truth and E-Jilla are loaded fer bear this weekend. The danged Enforcers ain't got one cool name on the whole team. It's easy. Die, Al Davis.
(Home team in caps.)

LP'S PLAYSTATION 2 GAME OF THE WEEK
Oni: All right boyz & girlz, your boy LPzeee iz back this week with anutha fabulous PlayStation 2 game. This week I take my focus offa sports and into action. Oni, brought to you by Rockstar, is an action-packed game that definitely takes you to a whole new level of virtual fighting. If you're a fanatic of fast-pasted action with lots of quick moves and firepower & ass-kicking graphics, this one is it. Money well spent. Others games to look out for coming out on tha month of Feb. are, Konami's "Shadow Of Destiny," Electronic Arts' "Knockout Kings 2001, Lucas' Arts' "Star Wars: Starfighter" & one of my favorites, Electronic Arts' "Tiger Woods PGA 2001."
—Latin Prince

YOUR WEAK-END WEATHER
I'm Not Wearing Any Pants
If you live in Los Angeles, this would be a good weekend to go somewhere warm and sunny. Usually the envy of people nationwide, like say, New Yorkers—who will be dealing with windy conditions and temps in the mid-40s to low 20s on Saturday and Sunday—Angelenos will see rain for the next five or six days, starting tomorrow (wonder if it'll hurt attendance at Saturday's XFL game?). And as the rain comes down, so will the temperature. Highs will only be in the mid-50s, with lows just a few degrees below that. It's enough to make a person want to head somewhere south…real south, Southern Hemisphere south. In Perth, Australia, this weekend—where it's summertime and already Saturday as this is typed—temps are in the 90s, with lows in the 60s. And it's a mostly dry heat. Including flying time, you could be Down Under in 32 hours. What are you waiting for?
—David Simutis, apprentice meterologist.

QUOTE OF THE WEEK
"Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits." —Mark Twain

THIS WEEK'S NEW MOVIES
"Hannibal": This black comic sequel to the Oscar-winning "Silence of the Lambs" is reportedly a lot more gruesome than the original. Julianne Moore takes over the Jodi Foster role as the FBI agent being stalked by the gruesome Hannibal Lecter, and Anthony Hopkins reprises his Academy Award performance as the man who made chianti and fava beans into a household meal. There are a couple of warning signs for those paying close attention. The name of "Gladiator" director Ridley Scott is nowhere to be found in the promotional TV trailer, no one's talking about the David Mamet/Steven Zaillian screenplay and the advance word is strangely muffled. Still, expect this one to romp atop the box-office results for the week as no studio is daring to go up against the Lecter juggernaut. Check out the website…if you dare: mgm.com/hannibal.

"Saving Silverman": Counterprogramming to the teen crowd, this comedy about two members of a Neil Diamond cover band who try to save their pal from the clutches of Amanda Peet sounds strangely like an Adam Sandler movie without Adam Sandler. Billed "from the director of ‘Big Daddy'" (the one-time comic actor Dennis Dugan, who also helmed "Happy Gilmore"), as if that's any kind of endorsement, the movie does offer such classic cut-ups as Jason Biggs ("American Pie"), Steve Zahn ("Happy, Texas," "Out of Sight"), "High Fidelity" scene-stealer Jack Black and a cameo by Brooklyn's answer to Elvis Presley himself. Sounds like there could be some cool Jewish humor too. —Roy Trakin

PREVENTING THE VALENTINE'S DAY MASSACRE
It comes but once a year, yet the effects of a bad one can linger a lifetime. We're talking Valentine's Day. For many men, Black Wednesday (2/14) means picking up a gift at 7-11 on the way home. For those who don't enjoy sleeping on the sofa, here's a few helpful hints: Cook her a romantic dinner, complete with fresh flowers and candlelight. Keep in mind any food allergies and stay away from citronella candles… Jewelry is always good, unless it includes "electroplated" or "Joan Rivers' Collection" in the description. And as much as it may please you, bringing home a stripper named Sapphire is not a good idea… Surprise her with a basket containing her favorite perfume and body lotions. Omit the cellulite cream… Hand-feed her chocolate-covered strawberries while reading sonnets by Elizabeth Barrett Browning. Don't ask her to "act out scenes" from Elizabeth Berkley's "Showgirls" over a Taco Bell chalupa… Express your emotion through song. Ritchie Valens had the right idea with "Donna," whereas punksters Wax were slightly off the mark with "Donna, Do You Wanna?"… Take a long, steamy bubble bath together and offer to shave her legs. Whatever you do, don't offer to wax her mustache... Spring an impromptu getaway to Napa Valley on her. Don't spring they fact you're sleeping with her brother on "Jerry Springer." Most importantly, size does matter. The bigger the better for diamonds, and as for clothing, always opt for the smaller size.
—Donna DeChristopher

PRESIDENTIAL FACT OF THE WEEK
John Quincy Adams, our sixth president, was born July 11, 1767, in Braintree (now Quincy), MA. Though he was the first son of a president to become president, he was not known by his middle initial. Adams had a long storied political career, spending time as a Senator before becoming Secretary of State under James Madison, then president, then served in the House of Representatives. Adams was a Unitarian whose nickname was "Old Man Eloquent." Best Anagram Of His Name: Man-inch joy squad.

MARK YOUR CALENDAR!
Upcoming Birthdays
10—Lon Chaney Jr.
11—Sheryl Crow & Thomas Alva Edison
12—Christina Ricci & Abraham Lincoln
13—Peter Gabriel
15—Chris Farley & Matt Groening

Special Events
February is Black History Month
12—Gasparilla Pirate Festival (Tampa, FL)
14—Valentine's Day

SITES OF THE WEEK
Dream Team: Have you ever wanted to get inside the head of someone you respected or admired? CountingDown.com just world-premiered animated shorts by two of Hollywood's most acclaimed directors—Steven Spielberg and Ron Howard. Each filmmaker describes a dream he's had in his own voice, then animates the dream narrative using the latest in Flash technology. This is the first time either director has created content specifically for the Net. Both dreams are unique in tone and show very different sides to the two directors. Howard's dream is about sex, Spielberg's about food; knowing Freud says that food dreams are about sex, now we know that Hollywood royalty dreams about the same things as we peons…go figure.
—Paul Karlsen

Who Wouldn't Like A Hatten? Many people might try to convince you that comedy doesn't cross language barriers. And, in most cases, those people would be correct. But those people probably have never enjoyed the hora-inspiring joys of "Hatten Ar Din." "What is this site?" you may ask before visiting. And you may ask it again after you visit as well. Whatever is actually going on here is a little hard to put a finger on. This much we know: It is a song by someone by the name of Azar Habib, and the lyrics are subtitled under the Flash animation for not-so-easy singin' along. Join in as Azar sings such memorable lyrics as "men sen visste nog du, hatt-baby," "vinna kinky roligt" and "hatten ar visst det din, din!" Marvel at the colorful hat—the titular "hatten" perhaps?—that dances and floats from head to head. Be mystified as a ham shank is slathered with, what is it, glue maybe? And, afterwards, if you are still not sated, you can click on the button marked "En Gang Till" to see it all again. —Jeff Drake

"FACTS OF LIFE" SUMMARY FOR THE WEEK
Mrs. Garrett's son, Alex, visits Eastland, and no one is more taken with the young musician than Natalie.