HITS COO Todd Hensley and President Karen Glauber have announced that Kyle Eustice has joined the HITS editorial staff as senior editor, much to the consternation of her loved ones.

The Omaha, Neb., native, a veteran music journalist whose byline has graced such publications as Rolling Stone, SPIN, Variety, The Village Voice, High Times and VICE, has inexplicably opted to forsake journalism for whatever this is. She most recently served as a staff writer/editor at HipHopDX, where she penned more than 12,000 articles—nearly half of what she’ll be cranking out each week with us. She is also news chief for rap icon Chuck D’s RAPstation, a senior contributor at Thrasher and co-host of the Breaking Anonymity podcast with MC Search of 3rd Bass. All of which makes her decision to work in this cesspool even more baffling.

“Kyle Eustice seems nice enough,” offered Glauber while attempting to reboot her son’s iPad. “I look forward to our annual Zoom meeting, if I can get this stupid thing to work.”

“I don’t know much about writin’, but I know one thing: Words look purdier in crayon,” added Hensley. “Also, I would like another Mai Tai, please.”

“Who is Kyle Eustice and why have I never seen her at the office?” intoned HITS Editor in Chief Lenny Beer. “Also, I need somebody to come to my house and fix my phone, which I dropped in the crapper again.”

Publisher Dennis Lavinthal was on vacation and unavailable for comment.